A Ketamine Addict's Perspective On What Elon Musk Might Be Experiencing On Ketamine

TW: Suicide

Photo by Willian B. on Unsplash

Ketamine is used for healing both medically and underground. Many people, including myself, have received a lot from its use.

AND Ketamine has resulted in addiction, severe depression, injury, and death by overdose, accident and suicide.

Both are true. The risks of uncontrolled use far outweigh the rewards.

We also have Elon Musk admitting to regular usage of ketamine while taking on unelected responsibility for much of what happens globally. Though there is research supporting the use of ketamine for depression it is not FDA approved for such a use (outside of a medical setting) . Update: Read the FDA concerns here for detailed info on what is approved and how.

While it’s not impossible that Elon is, like he says, taking only a small amount every other week, it is also possible that he is in denial about his use. Elon is reported to have had breakdowns in the past with uncontrollable emotions and suicidal impulses. Leaders at Tesla and Space-X have been concerned about his drug use and director Linda Johnson-Rice did not seek re-election siting Musk’s behaviour and drug consumption. The circumstantial evidence goes on… For in-depth current reporting on Musk see Proof by Seth Abramson and Musk Watch.

In this article I am going to highlight some of the features of ketamine I have experienced and read about others experiencing. This is both a warning - do not use ketamine on your own - and also insight on Elon. Given what I have experienced on ketamine and what I have learned since my addiction I believe he exhibits many signs of over use/addiction and ketamine in particular is a dangerous drug for a leader to be taking.

A note about tolerance on ketamine - it goes up - fast. Which means you are under the influence of the thinking of the drug without feeling at all high. This one of the the huge dangers that I will reference here.

When you first start taking ketamine (I’m referring to snorting it here - oral and IV has longer effects) the effects come on quickly and are through you within the hour. But it stacks. So you do it once, and then again, and a few times in one day and the next day your perceptions are already different though you may not know it. And within a few days of regular use (the speed of tolerance build up varies for different people and also depends on how heavy a user you are) you aren’t feeling effects any more.

The fact you don’t think it is impacting you makes any ketamine user an unreliable witness to their own use. This is in addition to the normal addict’s tendency for denial. It is very hard to realize you are actually high.

More features of ketamine:

Ability to work - you can work on ketamine. Elon says you can’t but you can. It’s not entirely under your control or awareness as to when you are ok to work but you can think very very well. Problem solving, analysis, and intuition are off the charts. You spend time in a kind of brilliant dissociated state that appears ‘normal’ especially to someone like Elon who is used to being the genius in the room. And because you often do not even know you are high you think you can work.

Changing mind - your beliefs change on ketamine. What you believe under the drug appears self-evident. There is little to no questioning it. And remember - you don’t always feel high. No human being can say on their own, as Elon does, that your ketamine use is under control. By definition we do not know and cannot see.

Psychosis can set in within weeks - This was my experience. I thought I was having realizations. But I was delusional. Felix Hill, the AI researcher who left a long suicide note blaming ketamine for his death corroborates - within weeks he experienced psychosis. Both of us had never done ketamine or hard drugs before - it’s like 0 to 100 when you’re used to riding a horse. Totally overtakes you.

Post drug induced psychotic shame - once you come out of the psychosis you realize what you’ve done. Who you’ve been. You have to rebuild and it’s not pretty - just like any addict. And for those of us like me, Felix, Elon (ok we’re very different people but we have these things in common) who are smart and multi-talented and self reliant - to look back and see that we were delusional, maleficent, confused, and a burden is a horrific experience. I’m just now beginning to be able to bear it through my work in Narcotics Anonymous. Shame is a factor in all addictions and in ketamine because it takes you to a whole other state of awareness that feels real and good at the time it is a big one. I have had more than one person reach out to me and say someone close to them committed suicide after getting off ketamine as Felix Hill did. I was actively suicidal this fall as I began recovery. This is crucial in understanding the danger of this drug and also the need to support addicts with love and understanding.

Higher self/lower self confusion and no coherence on the drug. I called it psychic detritus. Sometimes beings came to me - light and dark. Sometimes I was connected to my higher self. Sometimes it felt like was taken over by demons. Once I decided that was happening I was constantly expelling them from my being. I also multiple times on ketamine through out my stash. One time I woke up in the morning and saw it was gone with no memory of having done that. Other times I decided to go to rehab, confess my usage, stop using, etc. It was like a part of me was helping me and a part destroying me. There was no coherence. It was ultimately my witness consciousness that saved me and is saving me every day as I decide what is good for me - the drug itself is confusing as hell.

Ketamine insists you are the centre of the world, sometimes the ruler of the world, often part of history….This was fascinating when it happened to me - at first it just seemed obvious (I was in complete delusion) and then little by little I realized the horror it was doing to my brain. Easier for me because I am not a power person nor am I actually close to ruler of the world - Elon is. I can only imagine how Ketamine feels for the richest man in the world and the closest advisor to the president. Shayla Love wrote on this phenomenon for the Atlantic. I was fortunate enough to see a counsellor who specialized in CBT for psychosis who helped me learn to work with the voices and messages. Over time as I got better at seeing through the delusions, the delusions got better at meeting me- they insisted I was responsible for taking down the patriarchy. They showed me how I had to do it. Here I am on my couch breathing, softly telling whoever is speaking to me that “no, that can’t be right” while the drug overtook me…. very very confusing.

Tendency to conspiracy theory. This one was wild. I am not at all the person who goes into those explanations. It’s just not who I am. But one day this summer I was sure someone close to me was high up in a child pornography ring. And that this person knew I had found out and was going to kill me. It was going to be me or him. I went on the lam driving my car without GPS into the unknown. The day this happened I had consumed no ketamine. This was my mind warped by the drug. It’s horrifyingly embarrassing to share but very real. It’s an anlytical and detailed drug that for whatever reason likes the shadow side of our culture - I have heard of this phenomenon with others. Is this my shadow that I actually believe? Is this demons entering my mind? I don’t know what I believe but it’s a phenomomon and not one that a person in leadership in space or governance should be experiencing. Sam Harris writes about his relationship with Elon and how he degenerated, “If I hadn’t known that I was communicating with Elon Musk, I would have thought I was debating someone who lacked any understanding of basic scientific and mathematical concepts, like exponential curves.” Musk was immersed in a theory around the pandemic that made no sense.

Obliteration of witness and dissociative episodes. I spent a lot of time (including for at least a month after using the drug) having times when I was completely not present. I don’t remember my behaviour and actions - they have been recounted to me by others. I was not at all able to be responsible for my actions. It’s terrifying and terrible. A ketamine user cannot be counted on.

I thought I knew everything. It was very strange. And I did know a lot - my mind was very good at constructing narratives. Some of them, however, made zero sense. The grandiosity combined with delusions is oh so dangerous.

Glitch in the matrix. I believed I was in a glitch for about two weeks. Everything appeared insane to me. I tried to get out by thinking about movies I had watched about the matrix and trying to determine the secret door to get out and basically just doing more ketamine to try to snap out of it. It was horrific. Tony Hseih of Zappos another ketamine user who eventually died through bizarre actions was also obsessed with simulation theory. This is another weird shadow experience on ketamine - matrix theory isn’t my thing but it became my thing.

It destroys the body. Overdose death is possible. Even though much of the research claims the fatal dose is beyond what one should be able to consume, death from ketamine does happen and not infrequently.

The impact on the body is different for different people - there isn’t a consistent trajectory though there may be common themes. Some have increases in blood pressure and cardiac arrest. Others have hepatotoxicity, fatty pancreas…. Ketamine bladder is common. After a while in significant usage ketamine cramps are a thing - deep aching cramps in the torso - I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. As someone who was familiar with ayahuasca and psilocybin in ceremonial use, the physical destruction was not on my radar. And because it’s different for everyone and also an anesthetic it is possible to have significant physical problems that you either cover over the pain of with ketamine or you don’t attribute to ketamine at all.

Ketamine is having a moment. We’re finally talking about the shadow side of uncontrolled use. And it’s significant. I’ve heard stories of addiction after medically controlled use. Companies are administering ketamine lozenges and nasal sprays by mail under the guise of access arguments. Underground use for ‘healing’ is pervasive and there are more facilitators who have succumbed to uncontrolled use/addiction than we know. By sharing my story so much has been shared with me privately.

This is a dangerous drug physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Its users are inherently unreliable narrators and assessors of their use and its impact. I have huge compassion for people who suffer from mental illness, however, I do not believe that ketamine is a good general solution when usage is uncontrolled and certainly not for people with responsibility. Elon’s ex wife says “it’s all about Elon”. He is not known for his empathy. He is not concerned with the impact of his ketamine use on the world just as he is not concerned with the impact of his current actions on the lives of Americans. We are not safe with this man.